Alone and Lonely

Ya Allah,

This feels truly sad that You had to put me in this sort of situation before I understand the critical state I'm in.

The fact that I'm so so far from You...

I truly feel alone right now. With Sudan, and tests, and my sickness starting to come back again.

I just feel...

Sad.

It's like, when I see how caring Yassin is towards Hakimiey, I want that. Not from Yassin, no. Just, generally. I want someone to care for me like that. 

Fine. Who doesn't? Well this is my blog so this is about me. So hah!

I think, the last time I had anyone caring so much for me was in TGB. Diyanah cared for me to the point that she would fight and stand up for me.

She would never let me be hungry, or feel sad or alone.

I don't think anybody's ever replaced her.

So that space in me, that role she played, was left empty till now.

And leaves me in such a lonely place.

:'(

Regrets

I'm just so tired.

It's useless feeling sorry over other people's regrets.

Especially their regrets on how they've been mistreating us.

How dumb is it that them feeling sorry lasts only for a short period. 

I hate these people.

Mecca

I miss Mecca.

I miss the Kaaba.

I miss my eeman.

Hey, where did my eeman get off to? Come back you.

Abah

I truly truly miss Abah.

Even though I never really actually met him, but I've loved him so much,

that i'm crying just thinking about him right now.

Even though I've never heard him say it,

I can really feel his love for me is stronger than any man can ever love me.

I really do wish, hope and pray that everything is fine for him,

that Allah isn't giving him a hard time right now.

And even though I'm a failure,

I hope I can be a better daughter in this dunya,

for him.

A daughter that is blessed, and that my blessings benefit him.

Ameen.

*****

I'm starting to think,

that the only reason I've been having such strong feelings for Shamim,

is because I feel that he's like Abah.

His kindness.

He's gentle.

His care towards me.

He's loving.

But then,

He's a coward.

So he's nothing like Abah.

*emosi*