Dearest Umi

I guess I'll never understand a mother's feelings until I have children of my own. I love my mother too much to describe. She's been my best friend and I've been hers. Ever since my father passed away it's always been just us two. It's been us two in family portraits and us two here and there. She's more than half of me. I can't imagine how worried she was when I got sick again. I'm not surprised my sister told me she cried. But I can't say it didn't tear me to bits when my sister told me that. And now Umi's flying all the way from Malaysia to Sydney... I'm happy, but there's this jumbled up rush of emotions at the same time. I can't even find someone to pick her up at the airport when she arrives because all my friends that owns cars have classes. She had to take care of that herself. And when she does arrive I'm not even here because I have my classes. She's leaving all her work and my father who is running for the election just to be here for me. I have to work harder and be stronger. My success and happiness isn't just for me but for the people around me.

Whatever Happens

Whatever happens, whether I decide to go back to Malaysia and further my studies there or stay here in Australia, I'm going to have to survive this semester.

Even if I can't literally get a good grip of things with my hands, I'll have to get a grip of my life. At least for this semester. I'm not going to ruin this semester.

I've got good carrier marks, I'm not going to let that all go to waste. It's over half the semester already.

Yes, emotions are hard to control. With having to make the decision of whether I'm going to stay or not. People are not going to understand. I can't expect people to.

With the pain, manage it. Don't let it get to me. I might fall a few times and standing up straight is a really hard task, but I'll be fine. InsyaAllah I'll handle my pain dengan sabar dan solat. :)

I'll score this semester real good insyaAllah. It'll be good for my WAM if I stay, and it'll be a good record for me if I decide to further my studies in Malaysia.

Alone

Surrounded by blackness of the night, here I am. Eyes not that wide open since I'm sleepy. But awake, because of the banging, stabbing pain in my head. It's been gone for months now. Suddenly it came back with all its might and power.

I'm not stronger this time. I must say.

Like right now. I feel so alone.

People say its times like these that Allah wants to call out to you.  Just His way of saying "I'm here". But when it really does come to times like these, with my physical pain, and inner pain from the thoughts of being lonely, being alone struggling this pain, and no one understanding what I have to go through. It's hard to remember that Allah is calling out to me. It's hard to remember that this is the best time to be talking to Him. It's hard to know that friends are at least trying to understand and be here for me. It's hard to remember that family and friends are worried sick about me and the fact that Allah has sent me so many people to be here for me.

It's times like these, with this banging, stabbing pain, like some ruthless animal is ripping through my brains, is the time that I feel so alone.

Oh, and trust me when I say I'm not exaggerating describing my pain.

Pujuk Diri

Ok, ini post memujuk diri yang merisaukan pelajarannya.

Allah knows.
What's important is that you have a sincere heart in wanting to study.
Risau sangat dengan results menunjukkan hati belum cukup ikhlas untuk study.
NauzubilLah.

Ikhlas, sucikan hati.

Tu yang Allah nak tengok kat akhirat kelak.
Bukan results yang aku dapat.

Jangan resah. Allah lagi tahu apa yang Dia buat.

Belajar setakat mana yang mampu. What's out of reach, leave it in Allah's hands.

Age

Use our youth wisely.
For, the youth we have will last longer.
I came across this yesterday:-

"Don't drink in Dunya, for it is like drinking the ocean. The more you drink the more thirsty you get."

What Dunya does is just kill your inside more and more.
I can't go diving in Dunya and taking the little things it has to offer.
It'll just tire me and make me want more, and tire me more, and the cycle never ends unless I stop at some point.

Dunya makes people old.

I'm a Friend in Need

Be my friend and tell me if I'm wrong.
Don't judge me like I'm your enemy, don't belittle yourself, don't be afraid.
A small soft word can save me so much trouble.

"Tapak kaki kita kalau dah keras,pijak paku dan duri pun tidak terasa apa sebab tumitnya sudah keras. Tetapi kalau tapak kaki yang lembut,terpijak duri sikit sahaja sudah berdarah. Demikianlah juga hati,kalau ia dah keras tak terasa lagi bersalah kalau buat dosa."

Hardship

Takpe. Nak buat jugak post pasal kawin. Dah ni yang ada dalam fikiran sekarang (Ngaku je).

I want to be happy after marriage.
I want to be happy with my husband.
I want him to be happy with me.
I want us both to have the same goals and be happy until Jannah.
I want us to be happy for the sake of Allah.

But,

That's not an easy thing to achieve.
The real happiness I mean.
The serene sort of happy.
Not just the fun happy.
Happy yang tenang, bukan happy yang seronok semata.

If the goal of marriage is based on the things that are halal to do after marriage and based on the fun of nafs, then the marriage doesn't get far, nauzubilLah.

To build a baitul muslim is not easy.

I've seen it.

How temporary and how short the happiness is for many married couples and people get to the tolerance stage so fast it seems so sad and miserable.

"To get what you love you must be patient with what you hate"

Allah tests me.

I'm put in a position, where I have feelings for someone who is not yet halal for me.

The bigger test. He likes me too.

To get that happiness, I have to endure the pain of holding this feeling, and having to endure the pricks and pains of the efforts to make this feeling pure.

I'd hate to not be in touch,
I'd hate for him to not be there for me as he always have,
I'd hate that he can't put me to sleep anymore,
I'd hate to not hear him sing his songs,
I'd hate to not hear him recite the Quran,
I'd hate to not hear his struggles to not say "Saya sayang awak".

But,
I want to want him for the sake of Allah and I want him to want me for the sake of Allah.

This is tough.

Don't get me wrong, when I read this bigger things do come to mind. Like, how hard this life gets and the things we have to endure to get what we love: Allah.

It's just that I want to share this specific piece of my life I'm struggling through.