Wishes

I wish I did really feel like home at home.

It just feels like I'm adapting here even though it's been almost 5 years since Umi got married.

The only place that feels like home is UTM. Which is why I spent so much time and money decorating my room there.

I feel at ease in my spot on my cozy bed, reading on my swing cocoon.

Italy Here I Come!

Oh

My

Lord!!


So me, kakak and Umar will be going to Italy for our semester break where we'll be touring around Italy.

Rome

Cinque Terre

Spend a night in Lugano, Switzerland

Venice

Naples


I'll be going to Lizzie's locationssss!

And thank you Allah for introducing me to Farah. This super awesome Singaporean baker who can make perrrrfect crimson chrysanthemums on her cake. I can barely make mine on a cupcake. Haih.

She went to Italy a few months back and is willing to guide me to great places and where to get halal delizioso pastas and other Italian cuisines.

Bismillah, help make ease for us and purify our hearts please.

Worthless tears.

Just frickin stop Nad for God's sake!

That feeling when you've finally had enough.

Emosi tak emosi.

I want to remember this feeling forever so that I can truly learn my lesson.

Buasir

Sakit gila.

Tak suka orang tegur muka pucat. 

Thus I choose to lock myself in my room today.

And then I came across this tonight,

Yang Allah akan tarik 3 benda bila sakit,

Keceriaan wajah

Selera makan

Dosa...

Tak kisahlah selera makan xde, bila makan pun muntah balik.

Tak kisah lah darah banyak hilang skrg ni.

Tak kisah lah badan lemah tahap rasa diri ni macam zombie.

Dosa hilang apa. 

Selfish Feelings

People can be not selfish easily when it comes to physical sacrifices. Like sacrificing time and energy for the sake of other people.

But what's super hard is sacrificing feelings. Where you can be not selfish by  pushing away the things you feel, that feeling like the unfairness you feel you experience, for the happiness of other people. 

That's a sacrifice I can barely do. And that's something a certain someone in my life find difficult to do too.

And "sorry" has become meaningless.

This intolerence should end. 

Cancer

I'm freaking out.

I don't like seeing blood.

And I don't like the doctor telling me to diagnose for cancer.

Some people can really hurt you can't they.

Stay happy anyways Nadhirah.

Shamim

No matter what happens,

I would treasure the things we had, the times we went through together.

From the beginning of our friendship, I was really really fond of you. It always felt comfortable around you and my heart always skipped a beat whenever I even just hear your name. It's been over 5 years and this skipping habbit my heart has for you never changed except for beating faster.

You're one of the best things that has ever happened to me.

You've been the bestest friend that I never imagined having. You are the bestest friend that I can't imagine having more of.

You've been like home to me, never minding my drama, never judging my anger, and never bothered with my craziness. You never seem to care about the number of fights we had. You still think we're the happiest, most perfect pair there could ever be.

It's so tough that we can't be together.

We might just be hormonal. 

And it might just be mere lust from blackened, sinful hearts.

Just let time tell where we'll be going. Keep improving ourselves, our iman.

Let Allah decide what's best. Despite the ugly hearts we both have, Allah will still help us.

Have faith.

Dear Future Husband

You gotta know how to treat me like a lady

Even when I'm acting crazayy

Tell me everything's alright :)

Home

"Where we love is home - home that our feet may leave but not our hearts"
-Oliver Wendell Holmes, Sr.

Why one might ask I can't possibly forget Shamim?

Is it love?

Well, I don't know.

Simply because he feels like home.

I don't know how to describe the feeling. But he feels like home.
"Home" is basically the perfect, spot-on word to describe the feeling.

Whenever he's by my side everything feels ok, even when a lot of things seems to go wrong and it feels as though the world is going to tumble down, when he's by me it seems as though everything really will be fine.

Like everything is fine.

Like I'm home, which is exactly where I belong.

Someone came to surprise me just so I could have a perfect weekend after a very stressful week :)

Haters Gonna Hate

But I keep cruising
Can't stop, won't stop moving
It's like I got this music
In my mind
Saying, "It's gonna be alright."

'Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I'm just gonna shake, shake, shake, shake, shake
I shake it off, I shake it off
Heart-breakers gonna break, break, break, break, break
And the fakers gonna fake, fake, fake, fake, fake
Baby, I'm just gonna shake, shake, shake, shake, shake
I shake it off, I shake it off

I never miss a beat
I'm lightning on my feet
And that's what they don't see, mmm-mmm
that's what they don't see, mmm-mmm

Real Friends

You wanna call yourself my friends?

Well,

Real friends get sad, not insanely and irrationally angry.

Real friends don't mess with their friends secrets behind their back and turning everything into their own story.

Real friends don't easily dengki their friends. They won't feel one is the better fried than the other. 

Tak ada hasad dengki dan degil in a real friendship.

Most importantly, real friends don't keep track of every little things they do just so they have a list of things to bash the other friend in any case.

In this case, whatever happens I still love Zana and Ain.

But no matter. Things will get better eventually.

PS: real friends don't keep quite and stay in the dark to watch their other friends get killed by other so-called friends.

Letter to Adib

You can't forever keep track of the things you do for other people and then shoots them back for the things you've done for them. 

And you can't do that with love. It simply made me feel like I've done the exact right choice to not be with you. 

And you can't simply create ideas that were never there. Like for example, the way you "tried" me was by creating the idea that we were already together and then simply realizing the whole idea that were never there. And you did everything as if we were already together, forcing me to feel guilty if I ever rejected or felt otherwise.

I can't even say I'm hungry. You'll bring me food in 5 minutes. 

I can't say I'm stressed with life, you'll come by my block to take me for a ride around UTM.

I can't say my meeting will end late, you'll come to my office to accompany me and later on take me back so I won't be alone.

And I know this for sure because you're doing the exact same thing to Leha.

You can't forever keep a list of the things you do for other people and then shoots them back for the things you've done for them. 

And you can't do that with love. It doesn't make people regret the choices they made, or feel the slightest guilt. It made people realize how much they regretted ever knowing you.

Sometimes I feel like you applied the things Evo practice in love.

Whatever it is, I hope you come to realize how wrong you take life, and truly become a better person for your sake.

Diminsh Yourself

A scene from the sisterhood of the travelling pants 2.


Julia :

"What you get a couple of good reviews and now suddenly I'm not good enough to be your friend? In case you forgot, Carmen I brought you here. So you wouldn't have any of this if it weren't for me"

Carmen:

"But you didn't really give me anything.

I am who I've always been, and, sure,
maybe for a minute, I was a little insecure.

 
I know you did what you could
to keep me that way.

 
Right?

 
Look, Julia, I'm very sorry
if my tiny bit of success...

 
...feels like I've taken something
from you.

 
But if there's one thing
I've learned this summer...

 
...it's that no one can diminish you
but yourself.

 
And you taught me that.

So thank you."
 

Some people are idiots like Julia I guess.

What Ifs

I've always wondered what it would've been like if Abah hadn't passed away, or if Umi never remarried?

Worse, sometimes I even wish either one of the above scenarios were real and not what's going on now.

It's wrong of me. And I hate myself for thinking those awful things.

But I can't help it.

Hate

I really do hate it when people say things like "uuuuu glamour", "retis", "uuuu femes".

I really just don't like it.

Simply because I hate myself on tv, and I don't feel like I've done anything worth the publicity. 

I only promoted for the sake of the program.

Also, I never ever thought I'd get this much coverage. I honestly did the program because I truly love Sudan and feel the need to help them in any way I can.

Subhanallah.

Protect me.

Staying Humble

If Allah has blessed you with something, don't go around belittling those around you struggling with something.

If you have gotten married, don't belittle someone's struggle to find a spouse.

If you have finished the Quran, don't belittle someone's struggle with the book of Allah.

If you have money, do not belittle the struggle of the less fortunate.

If you are intelligent or beautiful, don't belittle the struggles of the less privileged.

Allah has given you this privilege as a mercy and a test so say alhamdulillah and try to use this gift in the best possible way that pleases Allah.

Staying humble means you return everything privileged to you back to Allah, being always aware that everything comes from Him.

May Allah bless and make ease for those struggling.

Butterfly Flying Away

I'm pretty darn sure you had to struggle so so much to raise me up alone.
You lost everything during the accident, and you almost lost your hand too.

And only now I think I truly understand how you had to struggle being only 3 years married, losing your soulmate and then having to take care of the little kid alone.

You did a good job Umi.

I hope you don't need people's approval for that.

I'm happy for the girl I grew up to be.

I'm not saying I'm good enough, but I'm happy and content for the person I am today and for the great things I have right now thanks to you.

Thank you for always tucking me in, thank you for never letting me miss a meal, thank you for not sleeping when I couldn't just to keep me company.

Thank you for accompanying me to swimming classes and scuba diving courses.

Thank you for even offering me to take the swimming classes when only now I could come to see that you had so little money that time but still had the guts to offer simply because you wanted me to be good at everything.

Thank you for being there for me all throughout the accident.

Thank you for being the best single parent there ever was. You're a real supermom.

You have no idea how much "I'm so proud of you" and "You turned out to be a fine lady" means to me Umi.

You've definitely raised me up to more than I can be.

I love you.

Bodoh

"So sepanjang setahun, apa benda paling besar yang Nad belajar?"

I learnt that a certain political organization in this country that I thought was stupid really is stupid. And that is justified by all that you guys are doing.

Politik Kampus

Penat betul dengan orang yang asyik perasan betul ni lah.

Penat betul dengan orang yang rasa dirinya besar.

Penat betul dengan kerenah manusia yang kuat mengungkit, yang kuat merasakan dirinya mangsa keadaan.

Penat betul dengan manusia yang egonya tinggi dan mulutnya puaka.

Apa salah aku? 

Sebab reject kau?

Sebab aku tak kenang budi? 

Lain kali kalau nak ungkit tak payah tolong awal-awal dulu.

Karma wujud kau tahu? Kau sibuk cari kesalahan orang lain. Apa kau ingat orang lain rasa kau tu betul-betul mangsa keadaan ke?

******

Penat betul lah rasa marah dekat orang ni. 

Bila nak berubah ni Nadhirah? Tak nak marah-marah dah.

Kena bersabar dengan diri sendiri lebih dari bersabar dengan orang lain.

Sabar untuk berubah.

Bismillah.

Reflect

I guess when I read through my blog, I can tell there's a depletion in eeman. (Mind my English)

Gosh, I'm embarassed reading my own blog. The writings aren't exactly words that I can present to Allah in the Hereafter asking for a reward is it?

Let's try again after this. 

Soulmates (??)

I don't quite think it's normal to be fighting this much with one human.

How can we have claimed ourselves as potential soulmates in the first place? (Noted: "potential" because we're not married yet)

Even if some two people are just friends or something. It's impossible to be fighting this much with a person.

How can you like so much, a person you despise so much at the same time?

It's frustrating.

Is it me? Have I got my guards up so high that even Shamim hates me now?

And I'm just here waiting for things to finally end, whether it be us ending up together, or not.

Just please ya Allah, end things fast. I'm so tired already.

Nothingness

Some days,
I feel everything at once.

Other days,
I feel nothing at all.

Today, I feel nothing.
Pfft.

Tired

Sometimes there come points where you wonder if he might change.

Will there come a point in life that he loves me more than himself. That he can push away his own feelings for my sake and for my happiness.

You wonder if he'll ever stop saying sorry or at least mean it when he says sorry.

You start wondering, when will another person come, or when will you have the strength and courage to really really leave for good.

Alone and Lonely

Ya Allah,

This feels truly sad that You had to put me in this sort of situation before I understand the critical state I'm in.

The fact that I'm so so far from You...

I truly feel alone right now. With Sudan, and tests, and my sickness starting to come back again.

I just feel...

Sad.

It's like, when I see how caring Yassin is towards Hakimiey, I want that. Not from Yassin, no. Just, generally. I want someone to care for me like that. 

Fine. Who doesn't? Well this is my blog so this is about me. So hah!

I think, the last time I had anyone caring so much for me was in TGB. Diyanah cared for me to the point that she would fight and stand up for me.

She would never let me be hungry, or feel sad or alone.

I don't think anybody's ever replaced her.

So that space in me, that role she played, was left empty till now.

And leaves me in such a lonely place.

:'(

Regrets

I'm just so tired.

It's useless feeling sorry over other people's regrets.

Especially their regrets on how they've been mistreating us.

How dumb is it that them feeling sorry lasts only for a short period. 

I hate these people.

Mecca

I miss Mecca.

I miss the Kaaba.

I miss my eeman.

Hey, where did my eeman get off to? Come back you.

Abah

I truly truly miss Abah.

Even though I never really actually met him, but I've loved him so much,

that i'm crying just thinking about him right now.

Even though I've never heard him say it,

I can really feel his love for me is stronger than any man can ever love me.

I really do wish, hope and pray that everything is fine for him,

that Allah isn't giving him a hard time right now.

And even though I'm a failure,

I hope I can be a better daughter in this dunya,

for him.

A daughter that is blessed, and that my blessings benefit him.

Ameen.

*****

I'm starting to think,

that the only reason I've been having such strong feelings for Shamim,

is because I feel that he's like Abah.

His kindness.

He's gentle.

His care towards me.

He's loving.

But then,

He's a coward.

So he's nothing like Abah.

*emosi*