Hard

This is copied from Etiquette of a Muslima's Tumblr, but it says a lot about what I want to shout out.

As of lately things have been going not so well. It feels like from all corners i am trapped and can’t escape. There are so many things going on right now in my life that is has effected the way i even function, as uncanny & weird as it sounds alhamdulilah for Tumblr, sometimes looking at some of the Muslimah’s pages and seeing hadiths narrated by sahabas & the Prophet salalahu alahi wa’ali wa salaam has instantly put me at ease. But, for now all i do is pray, ya Rab yasir le ammri and ease my pain all around wherever the source may come from. I pray that the Merciful soon bring what i so much yearn for in front of me & that all this will just be a memory. Sometimes though i just stop, on the verge to just fall on the floor, and nearly burst into my own tears, its weird you know? Or maybe what i need to do is stop searching and then whatever it is that i fear or need will come to me. Whatever it is i pray that i am granted the sabr to get through this hard time. Bad days overcome the good but for now im just patiently waiting
nothing is more blessed then duaa made for one, by beautiful souls, so please inshallahi keep me in your du’as
because that is what you all are, beautiful souls.

Missing People and Stuff

I miss Sydney. Seriously. But not up to the point that I'm miserable or anything. But I do miss it. So badly at times.

But then again, if I were there, I'd miss home real badly.

See, we can never be 100% happy. It's impossible in Dunya. Even if it is possible, when we do get to that 100% everything gets awkward and we're haunted by the thought that it doesn't last. Which just lowers the percentage of happiness. Haha. I guess "100%" only exists in Jannah.

What we can do, is just be happy and content, and understand that every single thing on this Earth is temporary. Bersyukur je. Selagi tak bersyukur selagi tu tak kan happy.

I want to be cheerful. So cheerful that even just my presence makes people happy insyaAllah.

Lost

“And He found you lost, and guided (you)” (ad-Dhuhaa:7)

Isn’t Allah The Best Of Judges?

“Is not Allah the best of Judges?”(Tin:8)

We are so quick to judge people sometimes.
Without even knowing their true feelings, hardships, and life.
We hold their past against them.

Allah only holds your past against you if you haven’t sincerely repented.
So who are you to just keep their past against them when you don’t even know if they repented for it or not?

We have so many imperfections and sins that we should be too busy worrying about ourselves and what Allah thinks of us rather than looking down upon people.
Allah is the best judge, so let’s leave the job of judging people to Allah and let’s fix ourselves.

Ameen.

 

Ya Allah, cukuplah Kau bagiku. 

:)

Just a Thought

Tadi aku dengar Faz complain, ada kawan dia asyik post pasal post-pos anti-UMNO.

Betul kot, she has every right to complain.

I don't know, this is just my opinion, correct me if I'm wrong.
Memang, kite ada pandangan politik masing-masing. Tapi FB, Twitter, bukan tempat suarakan pendapat.
Kalau dakwah lah niatnya, mana hikmahnya dakwah dalam post-post yang macam tu?

Politics are very sensitive issues. It can ruin so many things with something as little as a simple post.
Yes, I have my own opinion on politics, but I don't feel obliged to post it up. If you want to voice out and want to dakwah and stuff, I seriously think posting things up on such public and limited shout outs can do the trick. If they're Islamic posts, it's a different story. Like, Nik Aziz said to practice this and that. That's fine I guess. But a post like "Vote PAS dapat pahala", I just feel that's just not right. Not everyone has the same opinion and the way to do it is not on FB. Unless your friends are all on the same page as you that's probably fine but highly unlikely ey?

Hm, just an opinion.

Sometimes I just feel like we're genetically programmed to go against each other for things not worth fighting for, for reasons that shouldn't be there.

Crap

I keep pushing the unlock button just to see if that BBM symbol pops up on the home screen.

It did appear a lot to today but no BBM from him.

I can't help but feel crappy over wondering if he's waiting for my BBM as much as I'm helplessly anticipating for his.
I tried ignoring the feeling, making myself busy and putting the phone away. But the curiosity felt even worse than having a BBM symbol no-show.

This is bullcrap!
How can someone have so much feelings for someone who's not even halal yet.

What's crappier, I'm expressing this here. Nevermind nobody reads this blog anyways, so whattheheck.

What's even crappier. I'm making this post using my iPod.

Crap.

Nina Kawin!

AlhamdulilLah, seorang sahabatku dah selamat diijabkabulkan. Ya Allah, happy sangat untuk dia.

Peh, aku bukan budak sudah ok.

May you be happy till jannah. Ameen.

Mode: In a state of shock tiba2 rmai XGen nak kahwin.

PS: Iman, nanti kalau nt ada contact dengan Nina cakap kat dia ana takut nak call dia. Takut kacau. HAHA. Kbai gelak x senonoh. Cakap kat dia ana will keep my promise. Kalau die tak ingat promise touching ana ape, xpelah.

Hah, Amek

To Love and To Be Loved

WARNING: Post ni bosan gila.

It was frustrating how when people loved you they took an interest in you and sometimes worried about you and personally cared what you did with yourself.

Here, I'm mostly thinking about Umi, Walid, Mak, Bak, my siblings, my aunt and uncle from my father's side of the family. My biological father, Abah's family I mean. And also, frankly, unavoidably, Shamim.

Sometimes, I just wished that love had a switch, that I could turn on and off. And had some sort of volume to it. Like, I could personally switch it on when I felt good about myself and felt worthy of it, and generous enough to return it. And I could flip it off when I didn't want it. Like when I just need to hide or self-destruct and had nothing to give in return.

I'm going back to Malaysia this winter, and I just don't feel like wanting my family members except Umi, Walid, siblings and my grandparents to know. I just want to sit at home and just, well, sit and do nothing. It's not exactly self destructing. No harm there right?

I'm only back for two weeks. For one thing I don't want to think of any judgements or expectations. Judgements like "Why is she back? So manja" or expectations like "Dira nanti datang tau rumah *** ***".

To be frank, I'm not even sure I'm even comfortable with my family members worrying too much about me. It somehow just doesn't make me feel any better. I frankly just don't want the attention.  Sometimes I just feel like telling everyone I'm fine. I don't want the messages asking how I am, or the Do's and Don't's. I don't want their expression of worrisome and sorrow over how I am. Sometimes I just feel like they shove me with too much love and smudge too much of them feeling sorry over me.

Sometimes I just feel like I just want company and someone to accompany me at night when I can't sleep and feel too tired to be awake. I want company, not love.

(NOTE: Syudud, Shahirah, Iman, this doesn't go to friends. As far as I'm concerned korang 3 je tau blog ni. Haha)

I just want people to see me happy and full of joy.

But someone once told me "You just have to let people love you in the way they can".

And it hit me. How about I just embrace the fact that so many people love and care about me instead of having a mixture of guilt and just wanting to push all distant smooches away.

Hmphhhh.

Pressure

You know that feeling, when one bad thing happens and then suddenly all that is just not going so well in your life starts coming to you.

My groupmate wanted to meet up. And the first thing that came to mind was, setiap kali group meeting, mesti cangak je. Semua tak tahu nak buat apa. And then, tak kasi balik. Pantang betul some stranger control hidup aku. Lagipun aku dah bajet dah, esok kelas sampai pkul 3 and then nak rehat-rehat petang tu since aku tak boleh penat-penat nanti sakit. (Alasan mengada gila, aku tahu).

Ya Allah, teruk kan?

But then, came to think about it, I have no reason at all to be angry. Groupmate aku banyak sangat dah buat kerja banding aku. Plus why not just go to the group meeting. Just prepare je lah diri untuk group meeting tu, biar tak cangak sangat time meeting esok. It's possibly even a good progress that wouldn't lead me to last minute work. What's wrong with having a good discipline. Punyalah teruk, marah datang sebab orang nak a good discipline and marah dekat orang yang ada good ethics.


Gila, post ni memang deklarasi kemengadaan aku.

Tapi, faham tak perasaan yang datang lepas tu, yang macam, semua tak kena. Walaupun benda kecik-kecik.

The fact that I'm really still sick and it gets really hard to bear. The fact that putting up a good act is a real challenge. The fact that I have so much to study and in a couple of weeks, it's finals already, and I've possibly blown my chances of First Class Honors due to my first semester results.

The fact that I can't be a good support to my best friend who's in hospital.

The fact that my family at home is putting up with so many things.

The fact that I can't get a grip of my iman.

The fact that Bak, who I miss so so badly, is not so well yet. And I can't seem to control the thoughts of losing him.

Nak salahkan syaitan pun tak perlu rasanya dalam hal ni. Salahkan diri yang terlalu lemah and give in to kelemahan.

According to a Hadith, Rasulullah (s) asked his Sahabah (r):

"Who do you think is strong or powerful?"

They replied "He who throws people down."

"No," said Rasulullah (s), "It is he who controls himself when he is angry."

Truly, it takes a great deal of inner strength to control anger. Inner strength of which I currently apparently do not have.

Ya Allah.

But anyhow, I thank God, for these two people, who make my life so much more bearable, easy, fun and give me so many reason to laugh each second despite everything going on. They're actually one of the biggest things I consider when it comes to making a decision about staying or going back to Malaysia to further my studies. Umi said, you'll find it hard to find friends like these.

I've Chosen My Piece of Grass

A friend once told me a story of a group of students, a teacher and grass.

The teacher brought them to a field, and told them to walk straight from one end to the other. Along the way, they have to chose a grass. The best one. On one condition, once they go along the grass, they can't go back the other way to pick a grass that they had passed. Get the game here?


So one student walked along, came across grasses, and found some good and some bad. Some green and some brownish. And then came across a really green healthy grass. Then he thought, perhaps there's better further forward. So he kept going till the end of the field and found that he didn't find any better grass.


Lesson by the teacher, if you think you've found a grass that's the best one, pick it, don't look back, don't look forward thinking you'll find a better one. Just be content with what you've chosen, be happy with it.


InsyaAllah I've chosen my grass. All I hope for is Allah's guidance in my actions and my iman in this choice I've made.

A Reason to Smile and Worry

Before I start, a warning, this might be a very geli post to many. But it's a piece of my mind I want to share anyways.

 

 So it's been over 4 months since we confronted our feelings. Since then, we've been more than best friends. 

We've been close friends since KMB. We shared a lot of things, a lot of stories.

Since that moment, he's made me happier than ever, even with just his presence. Which scares me since we're not halal yet. There's this torn up feeling. Yes, we rarely talk on the phone and we never see each other. But when we are in touch, he's never failed to make my feelings grow stronger for him.

His efforts to be here for me despite the limitations and "distance" makes me so happy.

But this morning...

"Awk tau x sy sedih tgk awk skt2 mcm ni.

Xksh la awk nk pk sy tipu ke ape ke, 

sy tau ape sy rse.

Sy xboleh awk sedih, sy sedih jgak.

Sy xtau wak,

Sy just rse sy xbole hilang awk.

Sy mnx maaf sy ckp ni,

tp sy dah tutt sgt wak kat awk 

sgtt."

*he literally said "tutt" instead of... the other word

My heart dropped and it felt like time stopped for a while.

"Sy belum lg suami awk,

tp sy nak jaga awk setakat mampu.
Sy akan cuba utk sentiasa ada dgn awak k."

The words of Kostos for Lena

Thank you Shamim Ahmad, for never failing to make me smile.

Keep Smiling, Allah is With Me

I've come to a point I've given up on the thought of getting better.
I've come to the conclusion that the pain will just never go away.

Just now I played a main character in one of the most heart-breaking scene.
My mother hugged me and poured out "I want you to go back to Malaysia so that I can see you in  front of me. That way I'll feel assured your safe and that makes me feel so much better. If I can stop everything, work, etc. I would to just take care of you" with tears running down her pale skin.

Sometimes it's hard to listen to her advice. I feel like she judges me. Just because I seem laid back at times doesn't mean I'm not trying. The other day she nagged me about how I'm not even trying to get better. But today, it came to me, that I really am too laid back.

Smiling, laughing, pushing myself to go to classes and live life as usual and looking happy aren't the only things that make me strong. I have to actually be strong spiritually.

Qiam tonggang langgang. Tadarus tah macam mana.

This is the way that Allah wants be to be close to Him. Without this pain I'd be way too manja. Pemalas.

With this pain, since I can't get rid of it, since it's not going away, I just have to be strong by finding the strength at the right places insyaAllah. Rasa macam nak mintak sakit ni tak pergi pun takpe if it's the only way I can get closer to Allah.

The Ideal Muslimah

 

Yesterday I came across this muslimah in a bus. MasyaAllah. Lembut sangat hati nampak dia.

She's definitely what people would see and be reminded of God.

Her clothings were perfect coverings. She had on a hijab that covered her back front and sides, and her clothes dropped down on her perfectly. Neat, and yet it did not make visible any parts of her that was haraam for a non-mahram to see. And what attracted me most, was the fact that she had this tasbih in her hands and her mouth murmured what I guess to be dzikr.

Ya Allah, nak nangis sangat rasa.

Bila aku nak jadi macam tu?

Kalau lah bas ni accident, the state she's in, from what I can see, is what any muslimah would want to die in.

I've been way too caught up in this Dunya. Tadi tengok wayang, macam mana kalau Allah tanya mana pergi duit aku $15.50? Apa aku buat 2 jam setgh dalam wayang tadi? Setiap saat akan disoal lepas ni.

Repenting is not easy but what we get from it is priceless.

MasyaAllah.

*in a state of utter bewilderment and serenity and confusion and worrisome all diffused into one feeling.

“Haya’ (modesty) and Iman (faith) are two that go together. If one is lifted, the other is also lifted.” (Recorded by al-Hakim)

Strength

Ok, so I'm sick. And everything seems difficult to me. I'm trying to stand up straight and keep my head up high. But still, 
 
It's not easy to be strong when you are weak
It's not easy to be patient when you are restless
 
But

It's not hard to lift up your hands in supplication to Allah
and ask Allah to make it alright.

It's actually so not hard. Allah has given me the best surrounding anyone can ever have. I have Umi here with me, and I have the best set of friends anyone can ever have, my family supports me and cares so much about me despite the distance. What more can anyone ask for. I have all the foundation to be happy.


I'm actually obliged to lift my hands and say thanks to Allah.

Note to self:-

Please be stronger and work harder towards making things right with Allah.
This Dunya is way too short to be wasted. Please remember that. The simplest efforts can lead to mass effects in life hereafter.

Also,


"The Qur’an breaks hard hearts and heals broken hearts."

Dearest Umi

I guess I'll never understand a mother's feelings until I have children of my own. I love my mother too much to describe. She's been my best friend and I've been hers. Ever since my father passed away it's always been just us two. It's been us two in family portraits and us two here and there. She's more than half of me. I can't imagine how worried she was when I got sick again. I'm not surprised my sister told me she cried. But I can't say it didn't tear me to bits when my sister told me that. And now Umi's flying all the way from Malaysia to Sydney... I'm happy, but there's this jumbled up rush of emotions at the same time. I can't even find someone to pick her up at the airport when she arrives because all my friends that owns cars have classes. She had to take care of that herself. And when she does arrive I'm not even here because I have my classes. She's leaving all her work and my father who is running for the election just to be here for me. I have to work harder and be stronger. My success and happiness isn't just for me but for the people around me.

Whatever Happens

Whatever happens, whether I decide to go back to Malaysia and further my studies there or stay here in Australia, I'm going to have to survive this semester.

Even if I can't literally get a good grip of things with my hands, I'll have to get a grip of my life. At least for this semester. I'm not going to ruin this semester.

I've got good carrier marks, I'm not going to let that all go to waste. It's over half the semester already.

Yes, emotions are hard to control. With having to make the decision of whether I'm going to stay or not. People are not going to understand. I can't expect people to.

With the pain, manage it. Don't let it get to me. I might fall a few times and standing up straight is a really hard task, but I'll be fine. InsyaAllah I'll handle my pain dengan sabar dan solat. :)

I'll score this semester real good insyaAllah. It'll be good for my WAM if I stay, and it'll be a good record for me if I decide to further my studies in Malaysia.

Alone

Surrounded by blackness of the night, here I am. Eyes not that wide open since I'm sleepy. But awake, because of the banging, stabbing pain in my head. It's been gone for months now. Suddenly it came back with all its might and power.

I'm not stronger this time. I must say.

Like right now. I feel so alone.

People say its times like these that Allah wants to call out to you.  Just His way of saying "I'm here". But when it really does come to times like these, with my physical pain, and inner pain from the thoughts of being lonely, being alone struggling this pain, and no one understanding what I have to go through. It's hard to remember that Allah is calling out to me. It's hard to remember that this is the best time to be talking to Him. It's hard to know that friends are at least trying to understand and be here for me. It's hard to remember that family and friends are worried sick about me and the fact that Allah has sent me so many people to be here for me.

It's times like these, with this banging, stabbing pain, like some ruthless animal is ripping through my brains, is the time that I feel so alone.

Oh, and trust me when I say I'm not exaggerating describing my pain.

Pujuk Diri

Ok, ini post memujuk diri yang merisaukan pelajarannya.

Allah knows.
What's important is that you have a sincere heart in wanting to study.
Risau sangat dengan results menunjukkan hati belum cukup ikhlas untuk study.
NauzubilLah.

Ikhlas, sucikan hati.

Tu yang Allah nak tengok kat akhirat kelak.
Bukan results yang aku dapat.

Jangan resah. Allah lagi tahu apa yang Dia buat.

Belajar setakat mana yang mampu. What's out of reach, leave it in Allah's hands.

Age

Use our youth wisely.
For, the youth we have will last longer.
I came across this yesterday:-

"Don't drink in Dunya, for it is like drinking the ocean. The more you drink the more thirsty you get."

What Dunya does is just kill your inside more and more.
I can't go diving in Dunya and taking the little things it has to offer.
It'll just tire me and make me want more, and tire me more, and the cycle never ends unless I stop at some point.

Dunya makes people old.

I'm a Friend in Need

Be my friend and tell me if I'm wrong.
Don't judge me like I'm your enemy, don't belittle yourself, don't be afraid.
A small soft word can save me so much trouble.

"Tapak kaki kita kalau dah keras,pijak paku dan duri pun tidak terasa apa sebab tumitnya sudah keras. Tetapi kalau tapak kaki yang lembut,terpijak duri sikit sahaja sudah berdarah. Demikianlah juga hati,kalau ia dah keras tak terasa lagi bersalah kalau buat dosa."

Hardship

Takpe. Nak buat jugak post pasal kawin. Dah ni yang ada dalam fikiran sekarang (Ngaku je).

I want to be happy after marriage.
I want to be happy with my husband.
I want him to be happy with me.
I want us both to have the same goals and be happy until Jannah.
I want us to be happy for the sake of Allah.

But,

That's not an easy thing to achieve.
The real happiness I mean.
The serene sort of happy.
Not just the fun happy.
Happy yang tenang, bukan happy yang seronok semata.

If the goal of marriage is based on the things that are halal to do after marriage and based on the fun of nafs, then the marriage doesn't get far, nauzubilLah.

To build a baitul muslim is not easy.

I've seen it.

How temporary and how short the happiness is for many married couples and people get to the tolerance stage so fast it seems so sad and miserable.

"To get what you love you must be patient with what you hate"

Allah tests me.

I'm put in a position, where I have feelings for someone who is not yet halal for me.

The bigger test. He likes me too.

To get that happiness, I have to endure the pain of holding this feeling, and having to endure the pricks and pains of the efforts to make this feeling pure.

I'd hate to not be in touch,
I'd hate for him to not be there for me as he always have,
I'd hate that he can't put me to sleep anymore,
I'd hate to not hear him sing his songs,
I'd hate to not hear him recite the Quran,
I'd hate to not hear his struggles to not say "Saya sayang awak".

But,
I want to want him for the sake of Allah and I want him to want me for the sake of Allah.

This is tough.

Don't get me wrong, when I read this bigger things do come to mind. Like, how hard this life gets and the things we have to endure to get what we love: Allah.

It's just that I want to share this specific piece of my life I'm struggling through.

Beasty Beats

Ya Allah.
You know the feeling, when thunders seem to struck every part of you.
Your heart then feels like it's too weighted with happiness and joy that it feels weak.
And then your whole body feels numb.

That's exactly how I feel right now.
After 8 months of not seeing each other,
that short sudden glimpse on the class ooVoo conference call was...
God knows.

Ya Allah, susahnya. Peliharalah perasaan ni.

Fight or Flight

"Nad, awak jadi naqibah kitorg boleh?"

Ya Allah, beratnya soalan ni.
Baru aku sedar, lama aku x jadi naqibah.
Ni lah kot cara Allah jawab doa-doa aku.
Ni lah kot cara Allah nak jaga aku.

Tak boleh bermanja dah.

Nak fight dengan dengan diri dan pelukan dunia ni ke, nak lari dari jadi naqibah dan pilih jalan mudah (mudah ke?)?


 In this same night,



Sakitnya.




Thank you Diyanah. You have no idea how much I wish you were here with me right now.