I've come to a point I've given up on the thought of getting better.
I've come to the conclusion that the pain will just never go away.
Just now I played a main character in one of the most heart-breaking scene.
My mother hugged me and poured out "I want you to go back to Malaysia so that I can see you in front of me. That way I'll feel assured your safe and that makes me feel so much better. If I can stop everything, work, etc. I would to just take care of you" with tears running down her pale skin.
Sometimes it's hard to listen to her advice. I feel like she judges me. Just because I seem laid back at times doesn't mean I'm not trying. The other day she nagged me about how I'm not even trying to get better. But today, it came to me, that I really am too laid back.
Smiling, laughing, pushing myself to go to classes and live life as usual and looking happy aren't the only things that make me strong. I have to actually be strong spiritually.
Qiam tonggang langgang. Tadarus tah macam mana.
This is the way that Allah wants be to be close to Him. Without this pain I'd be way too manja. Pemalas.
With this pain, since I can't get rid of it, since it's not going away, I just have to be strong by finding the strength at the right places insyaAllah. Rasa macam nak mintak sakit ni tak pergi pun takpe if it's the only way I can get closer to Allah.
