To Love and To Be Loved

WARNING: Post ni bosan gila.

It was frustrating how when people loved you they took an interest in you and sometimes worried about you and personally cared what you did with yourself.

Here, I'm mostly thinking about Umi, Walid, Mak, Bak, my siblings, my aunt and uncle from my father's side of the family. My biological father, Abah's family I mean. And also, frankly, unavoidably, Shamim.

Sometimes, I just wished that love had a switch, that I could turn on and off. And had some sort of volume to it. Like, I could personally switch it on when I felt good about myself and felt worthy of it, and generous enough to return it. And I could flip it off when I didn't want it. Like when I just need to hide or self-destruct and had nothing to give in return.

I'm going back to Malaysia this winter, and I just don't feel like wanting my family members except Umi, Walid, siblings and my grandparents to know. I just want to sit at home and just, well, sit and do nothing. It's not exactly self destructing. No harm there right?

I'm only back for two weeks. For one thing I don't want to think of any judgements or expectations. Judgements like "Why is she back? So manja" or expectations like "Dira nanti datang tau rumah *** ***".

To be frank, I'm not even sure I'm even comfortable with my family members worrying too much about me. It somehow just doesn't make me feel any better. I frankly just don't want the attention.  Sometimes I just feel like telling everyone I'm fine. I don't want the messages asking how I am, or the Do's and Don't's. I don't want their expression of worrisome and sorrow over how I am. Sometimes I just feel like they shove me with too much love and smudge too much of them feeling sorry over me.

Sometimes I just feel like I just want company and someone to accompany me at night when I can't sleep and feel too tired to be awake. I want company, not love.

(NOTE: Syudud, Shahirah, Iman, this doesn't go to friends. As far as I'm concerned korang 3 je tau blog ni. Haha)

I just want people to see me happy and full of joy.

But someone once told me "You just have to let people love you in the way they can".

And it hit me. How about I just embrace the fact that so many people love and care about me instead of having a mixture of guilt and just wanting to push all distant smooches away.

Hmphhhh.