My groupmate wanted to meet up. And the first thing that came to mind was, setiap kali group meeting, mesti cangak je. Semua tak tahu nak buat apa. And then, tak kasi balik. Pantang betul some stranger control hidup aku. Lagipun aku dah bajet dah, esok kelas sampai pkul 3 and then nak rehat-rehat petang tu since aku tak boleh penat-penat nanti sakit. (Alasan mengada gila, aku tahu).
Ya Allah, teruk kan?
But then, came to think about it, I have no reason at all to be angry. Groupmate aku banyak sangat dah buat kerja banding aku. Plus why not just go to the group meeting. Just prepare je lah diri untuk group meeting tu, biar tak cangak sangat time meeting esok. It's possibly even a good progress that wouldn't lead me to last minute work. What's wrong with having a good discipline. Punyalah teruk, marah datang sebab orang nak a good discipline and marah dekat orang yang ada good ethics.
Gila, post ni memang deklarasi kemengadaan aku.
Tapi, faham tak perasaan yang datang lepas tu, yang macam, semua tak kena. Walaupun benda kecik-kecik.
The fact that I'm really still sick and it gets really hard to bear. The fact that putting up a good act is a real challenge. The fact that I have so much to study and in a couple of weeks, it's finals already, and I've possibly blown my chances of First Class Honors due to my first semester results.
The fact that I can't be a good support to my best friend who's in hospital.
The fact that my family at home is putting up with so many things.
The fact that I can't get a grip of my iman.
The fact that Bak, who I miss so so badly, is not so well yet. And I can't seem to control the thoughts of losing him.
Nak salahkan syaitan pun tak perlu rasanya dalam hal ni. Salahkan diri yang terlalu lemah and give in to kelemahan.
According to a Hadith, Rasulullah (s) asked his Sahabah (r):
"Who do you think is strong or powerful?"
They replied "He who throws people down."
"No," said Rasulullah (s), "It is he who controls himself when he is angry."
Truly, it takes a great deal of inner strength to control anger. Inner strength of which I currently apparently do not have.
Ya Allah.
But anyhow, I thank God, for these two people, who make my life so much more bearable, easy, fun and give me so many reason to laugh each second despite everything going on. They're actually one of the biggest things I consider when it comes to making a decision about staying or going back to Malaysia to further my studies. Umi said, you'll find it hard to find friends like these.
